The clerk

“Dove soap, Tylenol, Burt’s Bees baby oil,” Kathy mumbled to herself. “Oh and…and...fuck I forgot.”

She walked to the soap aisle, got down on her knees and grabbed a big pack of Dove soap, put it in her basket. Grabbed the baby oil as she walked by and stood for a long time in front of the Tylenol, still wondering what that fourth thing was that she was supposed to get.

“Do you need help?”

She turned her head, a young man stood a few yards away. Curly hair, glasses, in his early twenties dressed in the blue shirt everybody who worked there wore.

“No, I am fine. Thank you!”

He nodded his head and walked by her and turned to the left at the end of the aisle. Kathy took a box with Tylenol and dumped in her basket.

“Dove soap, Tylenol, Burt’s Bees baby oil.” She tried to remember again, but that fourth thing was not cooperating. A big blank space in her mind. I will just walk around for a few minutes and see if I can remember.

She stood and looked at the snacks; picked up a few bags in her hand, read the list of ingredients, put them back. She still couldn’t remember.

“Do you need help?”

The same clerk again, she smiled and shook her head.

“No, I am fine.”

Went back in her mind all the way to the morning. No soap in the shower, looked down at the soap in her basket. Check! Almost no baby oil left to lotion her body, looked down in her basket. Check!

Ate breakfast, got on the bus to the office. Had 100 emails waiting.  What is the point of a vacation when the work just waits for you when you get back? Read and answered emails until she had a headache. One Tylenol left in the bottle she kept in her desk at work, looked down in her basket. Check!

She walked up and down a few more aisles recalling her day. Had lunch with Eleanor, they went to the new café on the corner. Came back to the office, lost herself in vacation memories during the afternoon meeting. Had a Luna bar as a snack, left at 5:15. Starving, she had bought a wrap and ate it on the bus.  The fourth item was still escaping her.

“Are you sure you don’t need help?”

Kathy stopped and turned around, the same clerk again. He was crouched down, putting items on a shelf.  He smiled at her; he had a slight gap in between his first two front teeth just like Lauren Hutton.

“Do I look that lost?”

They both laughed.

“You do look like you are looking for something!”

“Ha,” Kathy said, “the story of my life. I am always looking for something.”

He cocked his head to the side.

“Me too,” he said without any embarrassment in his voice.

Kathy looked him over; slim close to skinny, tight black jeans and black Converse. On his left hand, on the soft part where the thumb meets the hand he had a star tattooed.

“Well you are so young you still have time to find what you are looking for.”

He stood up and wiped his hands on his pants in a very boyish manner. Took one step closer to her.

“Does it get easier?” he asked sincerely.

Kathy shook her head.

“No, not at all. It actually gets harder.”

He looked disheartened.

“Oh,” he said, “Well let me know if you need help.”

A perfect September evening greeted her as she came out of the store. The fourth item was missing but it was hopefully nothing important. The air had lost the humidity of the summer and she enjoyed the walk home. Strolled down the street to her apartment building.

When she came in she opened all the windows. Pulled off her office clothes and put on her tights and her linen shirt. Opened the doors to the French balcony and pulled the old armchair to the opening. Turned on her record player and put on a John Coltrane LP. The soft rasping sound when the needle hit the record always filled her with anticipation. She took a few dance steps to “Minor Mishap” as she walked out in the kitchen. She would make a pot of tea, smoke a joint and sit in front of the open doors. Let the sun set as she watched it and feel the night cool off.

She filled the water boiler, opened the cabinet and reached up to the shelf. Searched with her hand for the tea. She started to laugh. The fourth item! Tea!

Put her feet into her ballerina flats, grabbed the keys and her bag and left again.

As soon as she came into the store she saw the young clerk again. He looked surprised when he saw her.

“I remembered what I was looking for,” she said and smiled.

He nodded.

“Good!”

She picked Roobios Chai and walked back towards the cash register. The clerk was loading more stuff onto a shelf. She looked at his wiry build and the slim neck and felt a sudden tenderness. She stopped behind him.

“I lied,” she said and he turned around.

“About what?”

“It gets easier when you get older.  At least I think so. I sort of accept that I am lost now. “

He stood up and had a curious look on his face.

“I mean, when I was fifteen I thought I had it all figured out. And then at twenty five I was sure I was grown up. Now at…” She stopped and smiled. “Well now I know that growing up never stops. We always look for something. We never stop changing. And that is actually the beauty of it all.”

He mulled over her words for a moment.

“Cool! Thanks!”

“No problem. Sometimes what you are looking for is right in front of you. You only have to remember what you need. This time I was looking for tea.” She held up the box for him and he laughed.

 

The tea was good, the joint perfect, Coltrane heavenly and the sunset glorious.